Archive for September, 2017

Happy 29th Birthday Sweetheart!!

Tuesday, September 12th, 2017

Oh Jesus, this is my story!  I am awakened and reminded again that this is my story!  And my story must have expression!  Jeremiah said it was like a fire in his heart, a fire shut up in his bones!  “But if I say, “I will not mention Him or speak any more in His name,” His word is in my heart like a fire, a fire shut up in my bones. I am weary of holding it in; indeed, I cannot.”  Jeremiah 20:9

 My story must have expression!  It is carved on my heart and on my life!  I cannot be separated from my story.  Jesus, You desire for my story to be my testimony – my testimony of Your grace, Your sufficiency, Your Healing.  Jesus, what I know is what You have done in my life!  What I know is the healing You have brought to my life!  What I know is that You are a Healer, a Redeemer, a Restorer, a God who makes all things new!  What I know is that my healing has been and is a fight.  The enemy of my soul does not want me to be healed. The enemy of my soul desires for me to live in defeat and brokenness.  The enemy of my soul does not want me to live in victory!  You died to bring me eternal healing!  You gave Your life so that I can be healed and walk in victory!  You completed the work at Calvary – my healing “is finished.” Bless Your Name! 

 As the clouds, winds and rain from Hurricane Irma have been moving closer, the storm clouds in my heart have been moving closer again. As much as I want to push back the reality and deny that “anything” is troubling me, it is so predictable – Hannah’s birthday is tomorrow (12th) – she would be 29 years old! Every September that reality screams at my heart again.  Isaiah said, “Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne?” As her mother, for as long as I live, September will always speak of  the absence of my firstborn child. I will never be the same. September is ushered in by so many memories and the reminder of our first trip home from Houston after 77 days at MD Anderson Hospital. All of those memories are just under the surface of my skin and will always be!  I wouldn’t want it any other way but those reminders speak of my loss.

With every September, I have a new opportunity to walk in victory or defeat!  Every year, I can allow that reality to smother me or I can give expression to my grief.  My heart has been so heavy this week – I have sought You Father and You have shown me Yourself through Your creation and through Your Word.  The glorious moon was positioned over my deck this week as it was in 2006 when You spoke so clearly to my heart that Hannah was in the center of Your will for her life. And a most glorious sunset sky yesterday evening on my way home from church as I whispered to a couple of precious folks that I was really struggling with Hannah’s birthday this week.  I sat in the service at church yesterday morning and evening with such a heavy heart – a cloud over me.  And I wanted so desperately to be walking in victory but victory eluded me. 

 I drug my heavy heart home giving it to You again and taking it to my bed.  In Psalm 16 the scripture says in verse 7, “I will praise the Lord who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me.”  You awakened me with knowing I needed to journal. I needed to give expression to what my heart was feeling and not deny it. We must push through our pain – there is victory on the other side!  I understand why folks go to counselors for years to talk about their stories, their loved ones, their losses.  They need someone to hear, to understand, to listen because their lives have been so radically changed forever. It doesn’t go away.  You Father, are the perfect Counselor who never tires of listening.  You are the perfect Counselor who is always available.

 Oh Jesus, thank You for allowing me to be Hannah’s mother.  Thank You for using her life.  Thank You for giving me the great anticipation that You were going to use her life.  Thank You that my story is not finished.  Thank You that every promise You have given me will be fulfilled in Your perfect time and way!

What is my story, Lord?  My story is that You are greater Father!  You are enough!  Your healing is greater than my pain, Your purposes and plans are above my understanding, Your ways are not my ways but they are higher. My story is that You have brought forth and continue to bring forth abundant eternal fruit from Hannah’s life and testimony.  And You have given me so much grace, healing, eternal perspective and even joy!

 Thank You Jesus for Hannah’s 29th birthday!  Thank You that she has perfect knowledge and perspective that I too will have one day soon!!  Oh Jesus, thank You for waking me up and letting me pour out my heart to You again – my perfect Counselor!  

Happy Birthday Sweetheart!  My sweet baby girl – I love you to the moon and back!!