“I Will not Forget You!”

Good Morning Lord!

You awakened me early and I am wide awake! My heart is so full! Several years back, a friend shared with me that she always asked You to wake her up in the mornings. She never set an alarm clock. She reasoned that You knew better than she what time her day with You needed to begin!  Only You knew what her day would hold and how much time she would need in quietness with You to prepare her for the day! I loved that thought and I reasoned that she was no more special to You than I was and so I started asking You to wake me up like You did her.

It has been a process, Lord, but year after year,  as I have desired to be in tune with Your voice, You have indeed awakened me morning after morning. Many times I will lay awake for a few minutes wondering if You are really wanting me to get up. I’ll just lay there talking to You to see if You are really awake yet!  I’ll give myself a few minutes and tell myself that if I’m not asleep in the next 10-15 minutes, I need to get out of bed because I am going to miss a blessing if I don’t get up! My heart is more in tune with You in that way than it has ever been before. I don’t want to miss any blessings! I don’t want to miss hearing the God of the Universe speak to me!  So, 99 percent of the time, I am never in the bed when the alarm goes off – You usually always Beat the Clock! You know how much I need to hear from You, Lord!

And so, I’m up this morning, Lord and I’ve come to sit and be still with You and let You speak truth over my heart for this day! The first thing I noticed when I got up, Lord, was  the beauty of the moon lighting the sky! Oh, Father, it is to fabulous! All the time – twenty-four-seven the earth continues to declare Your glory! The earth declares Your glory when I’m awake and the earth declares Your glory when I’m asleep! The moon gives evidence to me that You are taking care of things while I rest – thank You Father!

I think one of the reasons my heart is so full is that You are allowing me this week to begin tying up the pieces of the writing we have been doing together. And, Lord, I am so thrilled about that! I am so thrilled! What a process! What a journey! What healing! What drudging up of things from the last two years You have taken me through. It has been a process and a journey and I am finally seeing the light at the end and my heart is over-joyed! Oh, Jesus, I stand amazed by You! Healing comes through You alone and through Your word! There is a part of me that feels like that the last two years You have just set me aside to work on the healing of my heart. You have removed me from many things and I have had many days and hours of quietness with You. And Lord, it has been precious and I have treasured this time and looking back, I can see a little of the process You have taken me through.

Monday night, Lord, I went to Michael’s PTSO open house. I visited every classroom where Michael had class and I met all of his teachers. And Lord, I just had the best time! It seemed like the first time in two years that I could actually put a name with a face of every one of Michael’s teachers. There are times in our lives when we just “do the next thing” and we can do those things and not really ever process what we are doing – we are just “going through the motions.”

On Tuesday night, I went to Andrew’s PTSO open house and once again, I walked through his schedule and met every one of his teachers. And just like Michael’s, they were all precious! I was so impressed by their concern for my children and so impressed with each of them as the professionals they are! And I was able, both evenings, to just relax and enjoy my time at their respective schools.

When I got in the car and started home on Tuesday night, I was thanking You aloud in the car for the two great evenings I had had and I was telling You that there was a part of me that felt like I had “lost” the last 2 ½ years of my life and that I was so thankful that I am continuing to feel like my head is coming “out of the bucket” a little more each day. And my heart was so encouraged! And as I was speaking those truths to You, a wave of emotion swept over me like a flood and I began to just wail. And I wailed all the way home! From the depths of my being, I was recognizing again that the reason I felt this way was because of the journey I had been on with Hannah. And I listened to myself cry like I hadn’t cried in a while! When I walked in the door, Mickey asked what in the world Andrew’s teachers had said! 

You know, Lord, I suppose for the rest of my life that at any given moment, those waves of emotion will be able to sweep me off of my feet. And You know what, Lord? It’s a good thing and I don’t ever want to get over that! I will never, for one day, for one hour, be the same as I was before. I will never get over missing my daughter. My life has been changed because of her. I have pondered the scripture this week from Isaiah 49:15. “Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne?” It is literally impossible for a mother to forget her nursing baby. Her physical body demands that she go to her child after just a few hours of being apart. That bond is so strong. I wouldn’t trade that bond I experienced with Hannah for anything in the world. That verse has rich meaning for me.

And then, Lord, You go on to remind me in the latter part of that verse that as strong as that bond is, as strong as that mother’s love is, as strong as her devotion is to that child – that Your bond, Your devotion, Your love for me makes my mother’s love pale in comparison. That is amazing Lord! I can’t comprehend a love so great! You say at the end of the verse, “Though she (the nursing mother) may forget you, I will not forget you!” She cannot forget her baby, Lord, and You cannot forget me!

Perhaps it happened this time because Hannah’s birthday was Friday or perhaps as I have been going back through my writing again that it was closer to the surface of my heart than I realized or perhaps in my heart, I knew I was getting to the end of this process You have taken my through, or perhaps it is because that I have an opportunity to share on Saturday which I haven’t had for several weeks and every time You open an opportunity to share, You seem to break me once again. It is going to be like that for the rest of my life, isn’t it? You must always break us of ourselves before You can do anything with us. We are so full of ourselves.

I suppose Hannah will always be the place where You break me – over and over again. Like Paul, with his thorn in the flesh, there will always be the very real reminder of why You are giving me any opportunity to open my mouth. And You know, Lord, I think that is a good thing also! I really don’t want to get in Your way! So Lord, thank You for bringing me through another week, another of Hannah’s birthdays without her, and another week closer to completing that which You have placed on my heart!

My boys are come this morning, Lord – for breakfast – all 65 or so of them. Use this place to minister life and peace and grace! May Your presence be made known in a very real way this day! And Father, I pray for tomorrow and for You to place on my heart and on my lips what it is that You are desiring to communicate with the precious ladies at Fountain Inn. Be all over that day! And Lord, thank You that You have started this work of writing and thank You that You will bring it to completion in Your time and in Your way. In the name of Jesus, I ask and pray, with thanksgiving, Amen.

4 Comments

  • Lisa Anderson says:

    Thank you for this sweet truth this morning. I hope you have a wonderful day!
    You are a blessing to me.
    Love, Lisa

  • Melanie Hall says:

    Just the blessing I needed. Thank you, Debbie, for sharing your conversations with us. I thank the Lord for Hannah and your family each and every day – so does Thayer! :o )

  • Sherree says:

    Debbie, what a blessing to read this post (and all your others). God is good isn’t He?! I am so proud of you!!! I am so excited you are finishing the writing. I can’t wait!!!

  • Ellen Houchins says:

    Dear Deborah:
    I love you more everytime I read what is on your heart!

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